Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Opportunist
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a
handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and
proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer
yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in
the head
and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a
counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun
around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
The Twat-O-Tron
Twat-O-Tron
as reported in the Register
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Lotus Touts
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't
have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.
FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice
TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.
Aussie Sense of Humour
the answers are the actual responses by the website
officials, who obviously have a sense of humor ...
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never
seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit
around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of
water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can
you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville
and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe .. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of
the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come
naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (
USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight
after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available
all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan
hunter/gatherers. _ Milk is illegal_.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come
from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be
safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia ,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in
trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they
drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking
underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (
USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male popula tion?
( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact
the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you
help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
______________ ____________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (
USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first/
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
I get by with a little hemp from my friends
http://caerleon.livejournal.com/70424.html
What would think if I ran out of dope,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me some hash and I'll roll you a joint,
And should I use two skins or three?
Oh I get by with a little hemp from my friends,
He gets high with a little hemp from his friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little hemp from my friends.
What do I do when my dealer's away?
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)
No, I get by with a little hemp from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little hemp from my friends,
Mmm I'm gonna to try with a little hemp from my friends
Do you need any papers?
I need some Rizlas to roll.
Could it be any papers?
I want some Rizlas to roll.
Would you believe in a joint the first night?
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine.
Oh I get by with a little hemp from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little hemp from my friends,
Oh I'm gonna try with a little hemp from my friends
Do you need any papers?
I need some Rizlas to roll.
Could it be any papers?
I want some Rizlas to roll
Oh...
I get by with a little hemp from my friends,
I'm gonna try with a little hemp from my friends
I get high with a little hemp from my friends
Yes I get by with a little hemp from my friends,
with a little hemp from my friends
